~A fool's paradise~
The population of our planet is approximately 7009137490 people at the moment (14th of December 2011 9:05:30(GMT +3)). And this blog is about one of them. Me.
Sometimes life doesn’t give what you want. Sometimes you just wish things would go different. But it doesn’t. Blame whatever you want, but it just doesn’t go the way you want at first.
I see misery around me, sadness and disappointment. When people get their hopes up to the sky and they fall, crushing everything around. Hope and expectations are something to value but to limit and to control.
Life is hard. No body said it is easy. But you know what? There are people around. Rely on them. Don’t ask them to talk or anything. Just sit beside them. Talk when you feel so, hug when you want. Be happy that you have friends and family members around. They are precious. They make life beautiful.
Another failure.
A round of applauses for meh. Another failure is marked.
Being once the best in my class from trigonometry, I officially anticipate that I did enormously terrible in this test here in the IB course.
Prolly, my brains are just drowning. Why? What am I doing wrong? Why? I am doing everything I can and it just doesn’t work out right?
I was sitting and begging during the class to somehow solve those equations, word problems and everything generally.
Good job. Failure must be m’ second name.
I couldn’t be more mad at myself…
Why? WHY ON THE FUCK AM I SO STUPID?
I may sound naive and silly, but I really thought I’d get a 7 from this essay. This history essay. I really desired. I mean, I love history, why can’t I get an excellent mark?
Yeah. I got the feedback now and guess what? I am such a smartass that I forgot to add the years. I was like: REALLY? REALLY? NOW? DJAISDOARUAUEFHIAOSDA
Can’t express my frustration. This just broke my heart. I know, I know, grades don’t really matter, but I expected and hoped.
this could have been a very good, even a great essay but the near total absence of a time frame makes it impossible to really work, this is HISTORY, no date, no understanding so regrettfully 12/20 PLEASE next time include a CLEAR imeframe you were in the other hand an excellent witness in every way so 20/20 so the total grade is 16/20
It’s just so interesting. The way like just with a drop and I loose my hope in something.
I took Self-Taught to get a better grade and well, reassure that I’ll have a bit of time for sleeping for my second year. But now it seems that falling off the cliff would be better for me. I am trying hard to work it out, but I am just not that good.
Yeah, I also lost any hope about any kind of a relationship. I just don’t think I will ever be good enough for anything in this life. Literally. What can I do? How do I think? How do I look? I feel myself stupid and ugly. Weird combination, huh?
I always thought that there’d be hope, a bit something, when I used to see my brother happy. And he was always happy with his girlfriend. And now? As you may guess, they broke up. Finding that out actually breaks my heart into pieces. Probably, my mom will be happy. Unlike my brother. I actually usually express myself in a better way. But now? Now I am just not capable.
And we had dorm check last night. Again, probably, have a wave of strikes and gatings. I couldn’t sleep at all, since you know… My roommate.
Yeah. That’s who I rock this all. Shall I thank myself for being so enormously smart and grateful? I shall.
It’s just too much sometimes. Really.
I just wish I could like, you know, give up and return my easy life back. Yeah.
I have a roommate snoring and skyping in the middle of everyone sleeping, additionally, I have those who speak Cantonese between each other when literally you are just beside their noses.
I have my written assignment and maths test coming up and I really have to find time.
It’s just that emptiness inside that is not letting go.
These past days have been quite busy, I’d say.
I really wish I could have more time or at least ability to manage my own time.
Anyways, a bit of smiles here. I was recently listening to random songs and I bumped into this awesome one :)
“You’re only as tall
As your heart will let you be
And you’re only as small
As the world will make you seem
And when the going gets rough
And you feel like you may fall
Just look on the bright side
You’re roughly six feet tall”
(Source: second-impact, via bonesrosesandchocolate)
Omg, omg, omg.
Just stop the time, so that I could write these stupid assignments. I have no time.
No, no, no. I HAVE NO TIME. These deadlines are killing meh.
What is the point of me going to bed at like 10:30 pm, when the fucking shower is so loud? What is the point of me going to bed at 1:30 am, when all I hear is my roommate snoring? What is the fucking point of me going to bed at 6:00 am, when all I do is stay awake and hear my roommate talking on Skype? What is the point of me sleeping, huh?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound stupid or anything. But this is all so annoying and depressing. Really. I just don’t go to sleep just because of these random noises from EVERYWHERE. FANTASTIC, FUCKING FREAKING FANTASTIC.
Yes, lets talk about love to earth, hippie stuff, when there is no simple respect here.
I like being alone, hearing nothing but my own breath, but yes, I came all here, thinking about life and peace and everything, when these people don’t give a single shit about me not being able to sleep at all.
You may laugh, thinking “Is it only because of the shower?”. Hah! I sometimes just sit on my bed, crying and thinking what have I done to deserve this. Haha, you may find that funny. You know people get depressed because of lack of sleep? Yes, please, you have the right to make jokes about this being a “First World Problem”, but you know what? It is not giving me a chance to have a normal life. I am studying for this fucking IB, yes, you talk about lack of time and amount of work? Do that all imagining you have tons of people taking shower over your head with the wrong water pipe system.
I will then see you smiling and laughing about it.
Don’t get me wrong but I am losing all the possible hope. Really. I mean it is a misunderstanding after a misunderstanding, it’s one emptiness after another and yes, mainly it is fear after fear. I doubt this is how it was supposed to be. This shit it hurting and the only way to solve this seems to be giving up. Should I? I was quite string for awhile, isn’t it enough?
I need my hope back. I need ‘me’ back.
I never thought I’d be depressingly writing about all this stuff, but…
It’s killing me.
I have a feeling I am just not good enough and that I’ll just fail it all. And I hate it.
I couldn’t even imagine…
I never thought it’d be so difficult to come back. Yes, I am happy to see all my co-years again. They all look happy and refreshed. But now, I can for sure say, I am homesick.
I want to hug my parents. I want to play with my little brother. I want to have our “special” greetings with my aunt. I want to listen to my grandma talking. I want to have my brother back at home, seeing him everyday.
I want to be with my family. Is this all worth it? Friends are friends, but I have my family members. I miss them already. And it’s been only 24 hours since I left.
Will I be fine? I will.
A walk with my dad…
So it was around 11 pm when after watching “Intouchables”, which, by the way, I absolutely loved, I decided to go for a walk. My dad told me he’s going to join me.
It was so beautiful to see the white snow contrasting with the dark sky. It was fantastic listening to my dad, telling me all those stories about how he travelled. And he told me the thing I always knew though he just outlined it so amazingly. I asked him what should i study further on and whom should I become. He just told me to become who I wanted to, to study what I enjoy to study and to live the way I want to live.
Then we came back and sat around all together with my mom, dad, brother, grandma, aunt and little brother. :) What else do you need for life?
My wise dad. So lucky to have him. So lucky to have such a wonderful family.
What can I even do?
All those guests we had and all those crazy talks over and over again. No, it was not cool, not fun. Yes, I loved walking out, on the crispy, white snow, looking at children laughing and playing. But we had all those narrow-minded men, my so called dads’ friends, who were talking about women’s role in our society, about women being on their own ‘places’ and not minding up so much. It was frustrating. What can I do? This is called the fucking society, where women are not treated equally. The only thing I said is that they will never be able to control meh, or tell meh how I have to live. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad, he is the best of the best, but when he drinks and when he’s with his friends, he gets influenced by all that narrow-minded ideas and traditional notions. After they left, my brother tried to tell my dad not to drink anymore and he just blowed up and told him not to direct how he shall live. It was quite stressful for me. Generally, I take it quite seriously all the time when stuff like this happen. It’s me, I know.
My dad is now asleep. So is my mom, although she’s quite sick now, caught cold, agh. I went to my brother and just made him smile for a bit. I believe he’s also going through tough time. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, which I believe sucks so much. He’s all sad around, though he tries not to show it around.
So yeah, now I am all here, trying to do my stupid work and not being able to yet.
Have a great start of the year.
R
